Things have been odd this week, a little bit of back and forth with progress. I've been trying to drive around by myself (which terrifies me), been trying to make more friends/connections, and I got a second ear lobe piercing on a whim. I've been trying to go out of my way to be braver, and say 'yes' more in general. I'm sick of being scared to do anything, I know it's because of how I've been raised but I don't want that to hold me back for my whole life.

Like I said before, I went out and saw a friend who just moved into her first apartment thats 30 something minutes away from me via train + walking, which is a large improvement compared to the 4 hour train or drive it would have been prior. It was really nice to see her, and it made me start thinking about how I want to become more independent and reliable. Even just leaving the house to see her has been a big deal to me.

So far I made a notebook to fill with things that scare me, and to cross them off as I go through them irl and get comfortable being exposed to them. It's been a weird attempt so far but I keep telling myself that at least I'm trying. Most people wouldn't make an attempt to go out of their comfort zone, I think? So far I've crossed two off my list, but I need to keep going! Maybe I'll add it here, too.

In the meantime, I'm still trying to draw! Or at least, to teach myself how to draw? I'm already in my 20s so it feels like I missed out, but I'm still trying to use my time wisely and improve at a decent pace......sometimes I see great progress and sometimes I don't. I won't give up though, I can't. Not yet.

I'm still pretty far from where I wanna be in life in a lot of different ways, but I will make the most of what I have and prove that I can do it. At least that's what I've been trying to tell myself.

I wanna be someone I can be proud of.

Job searching hasn't been going well. I'm still waiting for paperwork to go through but my state is really dragging its feet on the whole thing. Stupid, but at least it's in the works I guess.The longer I'm without a job, the worst I feel about myself? But I think that's normal, to a point. The summer is coming up pretty fast, and since my job is seasonal I need to grab a position before the late summer. It'll be my first (hopefully) full time position in my field since getting my degree, despite it being almost a year since I graduated (I had to take off a year to care for a terminally ill relative) and by god that will NOT look good for the job field I'm going into. Despite that though, I do feel somewhat ready. I just hope I can do an actual good job. I'll be putting my all into it!

In the meantime I've been trying to give myself some kind of social/emotional enrichment despite not feeling like I've earned it for myself. I hate the whole capitalism-based grindset, as if I have to make every hobby profitable or constantly be making money somehow. It truly rots the soul.

So, positive of the week (small table top convention where I spent too much money, saw my best friend in her new apartment and had a great time, pushed myself out of my comfort zone with driving and I feel like I leveled up with my confidence), with some negatives (again, money, still no job progress, my allergies are killing me to the point where I'm 90% sure I have a sinus infection.)

But at least it's not Covid, I don't think I can go through that again. Covid has not been kind to people like me. Yet, we persist!!

First digital log; it's nothing special but if I want to make this a habit then might as well start somewhere...

I woke up to another spontaneous nosebleed this morning, I'm not sure why they've been happening but at least they're effective at getting my ass out of bed. It's a really uncomfortable feeling, since I'm lying flat on my back then all of the blood slides down my throat and I wake up choking. Even if I'm fast to sit up, the blood clings to the back of my throat. It's disgusting, it's warm, I almost gag on the bubbles, it's a lot thicker than spit or water. I feel like a bloated tick when it sits in my stomach, it really kills my appetite which is really bad considering I'm already struggling to eat and gain weight. But hey at least I'm trying.

I still managed to eat today afterwards, but the bleeding took a little over a half hour to stop. Sometimes I like the way I look after, with all of the blood on my face and in my teeth, but I also gotta remind myself that I don't have a lot of time on my hands to be a freak and I actually have shit I need to get done. I used to take pictures of every rough nosebleed, but once they became harsher and longer I was more focused on stopping them than posing for a picture.

I've been doing my own poking around medical info on the internet, and apparently there's a connection between my autoimmune disease and nosebleeds. I already got my bloodwork redone (I gotta get that shit done every few months) and getting my meds tweeked stopped the nosebleeds (and the fucking nightsweats), but it's frustrating that they're happening again. Could just be the weather since ig I'm already prone to that shit apparently. Frustrating. Sometimes I worry that my future partner may wake up to me bleeding out onto my pillow, I'd like a kiss at the very least.